This year, 2020 has been a very different year for all of us. Most would say that it has been a horrible year. Many people have lost friends and family members due to COVID. Others have lost their jobs. Some are just simply depressed dealing with the “new normal”.
While I can relate to all of those statements. I also have found that for me 2020 has brought me peace, happiness and closure to a long traveled personally journey.I am sharing my story in case this might help someone else going through a similar journey. I am hopeful that hearing my story will at least soften their journey.
So often on television, especially on the lifetime and hallmark channel I see heartfelt movies about couples that are trying to conceive. It is always a tear jerker that has happy ending with a miracle baby. This story is dedicated to those that never get that type of “happy ending”. My story focuses on the “happy and inspiring moments”. My journey is far from ending, but this chapter over.
My journey began in 2008. That is the year I faced the fact that I would not be able to bear my own children. My husband and I both had issues that contributed to our inability to conceive. We spent several years trying naturally and then we spent several more years and several thousands of dollars trying to conceive. Attempting to conceive with the assistance of doctors and medicine impacted our relationship. By the time it was all over we had grown apart, we were both hurt, angry and confused.We weren’t intimate anymore, as that had been so regulated, timed and planned out over the last few years and it was just a painful reminder of what we would never have. We divorced in 2008.
At this point in my life I am hurt and angry and I am unable to be comforted. My “circle” was filled mostly with my family and friends who all were devout Christians. Everyone offered their prayers and words attempting to comfort. But their words didn’t comfort me, they hurt me. So often I was told “everything happens for a reason” or “it was God's decision”. As a Christian myself, I took these words to heart, and my pain worsened. I blamed God since this was His decision.
I was tired of praying. I had prayed so much for children. God’s answered clearly with a No. And now not only do I not have children, I am divorced. I felt completely alone. I did not understand why God’s answer was no. I developed a hatred towards single mothers, especially those who simply got pregnant because they did not use a condom. Why did God say yes to them and no to me? There are so many people that I felt were so undeserving of children… rapists, killers, drug users. I was through with God and was not going to waste any more time praying.
But I could not tell that to anyone especially my mother. My mom is the ultimate prayer warrior. Anytime she had a problem or concern she would pray. I think that was her answer to everything. And for her it seemed to work. Her prayers were always answered (so I thought). So instead of sharing with anyone about my internal conflict I just hid it. I still continued to go to Church and I would go through the motions, I would close my eyes and bow my head, but I wasn’t praying.
I did make a decision to tackle my debt issue. I started working a part time job at Target. I worked in the evenings and on the weekends. This part time job solved a lot of my problems. I was able to pay off my debt quicker. Between my 2 jobs I was working about 75-80 a week, so I never felt lonely. I even began to make new friends. My new friends were typically much younger and while they believed in God, they were a little less Christian like than my family and other friends.
Working at Target was critical in my healing process. My new friends looked up to me.They didn’t know the full details of my life. I was able to reinvent myself. When I was there I could separate from my reality. It was almost therapeutic.
By the time I left Target I had come to accept that I had so much to be thankful for.Even though I did not get my dream life:white picket fence, husband and two kids. I still had a good life. Most people don’t get their dream life. Life is full of challenges and pain. And while maybe it was God’s decision that I could not have children, it doesn’t mean he thinks less of me. Clearly God has a purpose for all of us. For some it includes parenthood. I have been blessed with so many friendships/relationship where God has given me the opportunity to step out of my comfort zone and play an impactful role in someone’s life. I was filing finding peace and happiness.
Around the time I left Target, the pastor’s wife at my church announced she was going to have to have surgery. My mother reached out to me and asked if I would help her with teaching Sunday school. Who could say no to the prayer warrior?
The church that I attended was a very small church.We had about 25 children and about 7 adults. All of the children were from single parent homes.
While teaching Sunday school, I reconnected with God.
In December of 2019, I became engaged to a high school classmate. Scipio, has two sons, Mitchell (14) and DJ (25). This relationship has given me the opportunity to be a stepmother. Mitchell typically lives with his mother but due to the pandemic, he spent the spring and most of the summer with us. In addition his younger cousin Donovan stayed with us too.
2020 has been one of the best years of my life. It is not quite the “white picket” fence I imagined but I do feel like I have my happy ending just like the movies.
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